Disconnected feeling

Ever get those moments when you feel disconnected from yourself? Well that moment seems to be an everlasting one the last couple of days. 

It’s like I can’t seem to get in the rhythm of things this week. The only songs stuck in my head ranges from depressing to jumping off a cliff. The thing is… i am extremely happy. Maybe it’s because I know I am not allowed to be this happy. By the moral laws layed out by society. I had a big loss in my life. 

My emotions have been, well, I don’t know where to place them. There is no box labeled for this. I walked into the kitchen this week, and I was sooo happy to be back. But then, how can I be? I lost my brother , I took care of him, I cleaned what looked like an episode of dexter in his room. 

Dealing with a bunch of silly emotions, makes me feel like I have lost this strong person I was two weeks ago. The thing is, it’s like the kitchen is my saving grace, with an extra guardian angel looking out for me. 

How do we keep our emotions out of the kitchen, I haven’t doubted my self this much in a very long time. I believe that I am the master of a fake smile, and years of  boxed up feelings behind it. 

It’s unfair, I am happy!! Happy with my life, proud to be part of this magical place. 

But then you find these perfectly created tiny snails in your garnish, and you stop to think just how beautiful life really is. Some might think it’s just a silly snail, but you should have seen this one! Obviously saved my new found friends. And that’s when it hit me, I never want to loose that part of myself. That quirky person, the thing I hated about myself for most of my life. It’s just who I am. 

I have accepted that there is a place for that in a not always perfect world. It’s incredible to think even in a busy kitchen, rushing to get everything done for service. There is always a moment to breathe deeply, and enjoy the little things in life. 

So today I am just trying to be okey with the fact that I am happy. It sounds crazy, and my heart is torn apart. In the midst of the chaos in my life, I have found my happy place. Outside- i am bombarded with a thousand different emotions. Although at times it has seeped through the cracks in my heart, and YES it has taken a toll on my work. Feels like it’s been my firsy day in a kitchen this whole week. 



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